prefixo
Meu namorado era…
É. É assim que eu conto.
O “ex-” na frente vai saber a hora de chegar.
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I need to talk to you, seriously. I got tons of things to tell you, wich I meant to say yesterday, but couldn’t. I’ll tell you now, then. For once and for all.
This is my last entry, my last true words to you. Sorry, I know I meant to stop seeing you since the day you dissed me. But I couldn’t. I had to hear, to see, to feel it was over. I heard, I saw, I felt it… but yesterday, listening to the things you said was just too much for me. I was confused but you can’t imagine how much it hurted to be called a “friend”. I’m sorry, I can’t. I can’t have you this way, you mean so much more to me.
I kept seeing you for some reasons. Some wrong, some right. Part of me had a hope: taking you back again, trying to make you realize I love you and we should be together. My other half, the reasonable one, tried to accept. To prove to myself you were not right for me.
After every and each time we talked, I got more and more sure of one thing: You’re a dickhead. Immature, selfish, self-centered, annoying. A kid, a spoiled stupid kid. And I said to myself: Fuck! Thank God it’s over, it would have been impossible. But then comes the funniest part: I’d been able to love this dickhead. To accept everyone of your horrible flaws of character and not change you, but show you how to be better.
Maybe that’s why I’m still not capable to understand it, to accept it. You didn’t love me, that’s a fact, but… I made you feel good, didn’t I? I brought you peace, you told me that. You came back to sleep well, you felt fine after some hard times. We talked, we connected, I understood you, I readed you. We had great sex, didn’t we? So much intimacy, we were friends friends, more than anything. Gosh! Do you know how many people’d die to have that? We had it, and you threw it all away because of what? One week in wich I was out of space, overwhelmed by college? I had a million things running through my head, so then, I’m really sorry I couldn’t give you all the attention I needed.
You told me you didn’t come ask me what was happening ‘cause you were afraid of looking like a fool. Let me tell you one thing: when we love, we’re really not afraid of looking like fools. I’m a fool to be here now, and I’m not afraid at all. Well, you got afraid, confused, and… cheated on me. Yes that’s what you did. In the most disrespectful way. I’d never, ever, be capable to do that to anyone I like. It’s cold.
You did it. And then, you tell me you were sure it’d not even matter to me. How could you even think that about the guy who slept caressing your face? Were you really clueless about how much i liked you? Didn’t you pay any attentions to the way I looked at you? Didn’t you read the signs? Let me tell you, you were the only one. Everybody knew how happy I was by your side. OK, I blame myself only for being awfully cold that last week, but… couldn’t you give me one more day? It’d be over by Friday night, all that college shit, and then I’d be yours only, forever, as long as it would have lasted.
You took my chance of proving you that, so please understand, you didn’t love me at all. And I’m sure in your childish way you tought you did, but… what kind of simple love is that, wich loves one day and, in the after, doesn’t love anymore, and worst, loves another.
The orst thing is to know I’ve been warned. I’ve been told you’d do that. And I was careful in the beggining, but during our days, every time I looked into your sweet sad eyes, I got sure you’d never be capable to hurt me, and that’s when I promised I’d never hurt you.
Fuck! You’re stupid! If you only knew how happy I meant to make you. I’d pick you up every single day at work. I had plans to write you some everynight at your scrapbook, a poem or song, for you and the whole world to read every morning. I wanted to hear all your problems and fears so we could solv’em together. To take care of you, make you feel precious. I’d take you to so many parties, show you to everybody, MY boyfrriend, the bes one. We’d have the ebst photos, the most beautiful and artistic couple on-line. Remeber that time you said you felt stupid by my side? You’re not. I meant to show you so many things I know, thing I would only share with someone I meant to be forever with. I’d like to organise your life, like I was beggining to. You liked it, didn’t you? We’d have so many songs, watch so many movies, go to so many places. Remember when you got sadafter i make you realize you will eventually be alone someday? I don’t believe in eternal love, never did, but you made me want it. I’d start to work, have money to spend, live my life at it’s best with you by my side. We’d be the best couple in college, we were. We’d get famous in fashion together, the most hype gay couple. We’d share friends, you know I got great ones, you’d introduce me yours. I’d teach you every computer tricks. I’d listen to Hotel Costes compilations day and night and to that stupid cute face you love everytime you asked me to. I’d hug you while you sleep, caress your back and wake you up with a nasty blowjob every morning I felt inspired. One day, I’d have some guts, tell my mom I was gay and then you’d finally sleep in my bed. I’d love to be your analyst, to talk, and talk. I wanted to grow together, learn together. To kiss you, and hold you and tell you I love you, every single hour, every single day.
This were my cruel intentions.
You showed me that, made me want all that, gave me the opportunity of loving you nad took it back. Thanks.
Was it really not worth it? I’m sure it was. I guess you’re not. You chose him, the guy you told me it was impossible to relate with. I guess you love him.
It’s over, then. I want to tell you goodbye, and thank you for every memory, as much as they hurt now, were all good. Thank you for making me love again, in such a mature way, it’s the best thing someone can feel, and I forgot how much love I have to give. Thank you too for some great thing you thought me: this faithful way of facing life. You can be the most mature person sometimes.. I wanna apollogize for any harm I caused you. I’m sorry I can’t offer you my friendship. Me too, I’m very selfish sometimes.
Goodbye babyboy, for once and for all. No more letters, no more rendez-vous, no more phone calls. But before i go, please, hear it well:
I’ll wait you. No Montauk. No erased memories. I’ll be right here, and if all those days we spent together still mean something to you, close your eyes, feel me holding you, and ask yourself if you can be here with me again. Then you can tell him we deserve a chance to make it right. Tell him you’re sory, it was a mistake, come back and let me love you. Gosh, that’s pathethic, but I can’t help, it’s true.
Yours truly,
Sebastian.
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F.Y.
O problema é que quero muitas
coisas simples,
então pareço exigente.
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(ps: eu NÃO(!) bebo cerveja, sério.)
